me: so how do I apply to be pope?
buddy: well, you can’t be married, so you’d have to leave your wife, but since that’s against the religion they’d ask you to leave anyway, so I think you’re boned
buddy: plus, you know, you can’t be an asshole
me: damn
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me: you know my friend brings up a good point
me: if jesus was a jew… I can be pope too
buddy: yah, but see, Jesus had a lot more going for him than just being a Jew…
me: I can turn wine into pee and although I cant walk on water, I can hold my breath for like 2.5 minutes
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me: 1 more question - if the pope comes back as a zombie does he still get to be pope?
buddy: nope. zombie’s don’t have souls and the soul is the pope’s essence, not the body
me: so if he comes back as a ghost he can pope?
buddy: sure, yeah, thats good
me: cool - catholicism just gained a few pts in my book
me: I am putting this convo on my blog buddy: ok - you can end with this:
buddy: so there’s this scientist who breaks the genetic code and creates life from dirt. he becomes world renowned. when he dies, he goes to st peter. St peter says, “ah good, God wants to see you”. So the scientist goes to God and says, “I’ve done what only you could do, I created human life from the dirt, from scratch. What do you have to say for yourself, God?” God smiles, looks down at the scientist and says, “Try making dirt”.
me: jokes about god offend me

It’s not often a movie tie-in promotion entertains me this much.

Big props to whomever decided this was the best way to introduce dark chocolate M&Ms.

Life is patterns…

My pattern is pretty simple. On any given day from grade school to present day, I will not be able to find one of the following things before heading out the door to start my day:

- my keys
- my belt
- my wallet
- my cellphone (a new addition to the list)

In recent years this has become even more troublesome. I have 3 unique sets of keys I carry. The first is a keyring with my keys to the apartment & Theresa’s car. The second is my normal car key. Usually this key would be on my keyring, but the peice of plastic which the keyring hooks into broke off 2 years ago (lousy German Engineering — great cars - terrible keys). The third is the valet key for my car.

Since college, I have gotten very good at leaving the miasma of pocket fillage in one location in our apartment. Often I put all of these things down before I even say hello to my wife….just to be sure they are all located together. This works most of the time……MOST of the time.

Sometime between this past Sunday to Monday, I have completely and totally lost my valet key to the netherworld. It is GONE. I am not talking about misplaced and I just haven’t found it. I mean some sneaky demon opened a pit from hell & has stolen it. (or Theresa took it & hid it in her continuing efforts to drive me to insanity so she can get her hands on the secret Schlossberg fortune which I am the sole heir to.)

I know the key is in the apartment because:

1. I drove home with it from the gym on Sunday
2. I still don’t know how to hotwire a car.

In my vain attempts to find it I have searched all of the usual places I leave things 2-3 times over. I have tried the ever popular walking about the apartment looking about randomly hoping to just see them technique. That was followed recently by the I give up & am going to sit down to stew in my misfortunes only to sit up the very key I was looking for. I have even gone so far as to visit Ask Jeeves who tells me that my key are hidden in lyrics of a Lorraine Feather song coincidentally enough entitiled “Where Are My Keys…”

This key is not the first thing to completely disappear in our apartment. Someplace within the 1300 square feet of my domicile is a Zagat Guide which my parents sent to me. Not to mention a pair of earrings I purchased for my wife as gift a few years back.

Hopefully all of these things will show up when we move from the apartment, but in the meanwhile….if any of you know where my key is or can convince Theresa to give it back to, I would be very grateful.

because its LINKS TIME!

This first one is basically an animated tribute to Stomp or the Blue Man Group or whomever you want to call it that does performance art with music. Anyway about it though…its pretty damn cool.

The second one is more than meets the eye!

I guess it’s official now that this story has been published.

Cuz I would have a website dedicated to me called www.mybigball.com.

Watching this animation may have unexpected side effects